a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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