so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
