he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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