he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
