I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
