She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
