I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
