your thong is hanging out like whoa
my mouth tastes like poor choices
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
