My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
