Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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