So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize