he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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