I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
