It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize