hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
