Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
