There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
