Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
