I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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