you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
