meet me or not, i'm out of control
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize