Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
