I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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