Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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