she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
