guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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