Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
