apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
