i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My balls are so social today.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
