Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
