see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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