My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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