You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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