i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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