OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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