Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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