I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
