why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
