You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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