the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
