The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
