You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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