Me. At least after what I've been through.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
