So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
