i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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