You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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