I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
