don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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