I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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