im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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