Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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