life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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