is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
