I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You may now shotgun with the bride
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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