omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
