Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
