hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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