i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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