four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A+ Viking dick
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