the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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