i may or may not be watching the land before time
We named our party play list daddy issues
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
