i love accidental penises.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize