so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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