Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
