so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
