Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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