I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
