I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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