so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize