do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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