listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
