he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
