Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
