my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
