i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
